Behind that smile….

As humans we tend to downplay the amount of things that goes on in our brains. Every single action, every single breathe, every single step, every hellos and goodbyes, every ‘I love you’ even from the worst of persons, every yes and no, causes a ripple effect in our brain which affects a whole lot more than we think.

The reality is, we never know what anyone is going through. Some people might not show it, but they are going through a whole lot. They have a butt load of crap to deal with that some of us might not be able to comprehend. Why do you think people commit suicide? Even people that we least expect.

Depression is not about age, money or all that. It’s a disease that envelopes the minds of people, grows at a very rapid pace and does not show signs or symptoms till it is way too late. It’s not about facial expression or how outgoing someone is because even the person with the widest of smiles could turn around and hurt themselves. Someone described depression and said “Imagine drowning but seeing everyone around you breathing, that is what depression is like”.

We underestimate the power that comes with our tongue. Now, I’m not talking about how it affects us directly but instead how what we say affects others. Some people are on the very edge and all they need a single word from someone to push them over. Sometimes a simple ‘hi’, ‘how you doing?’, ‘sorry’, ‘you are beautiful’, could go a long way to brighten someone’s day. Sounds odd but most times you might not have to go the extra mile to make someone happy. You could take a simple and minute action and as meaningless as you may think that thing is, it might go a long way to make that other person happy.

Let’s face it, sometimes we find ourselves in situations that we can’t tell anyone about, so we bottle it in and think “I would rather let this rot inside me than let someone know what’s going on” and I totally get this because nowadays a higher number of people would rather judge you for what you are going through, than help you. The whole point of sharing a problem with someone you trust does not necessary mean that person has to find a solution to your said problem. Now I know you might be thinking ‘If the person is not providing a solution, what’s the point of sharing it in the first place?’ the truth is, you might have the solution already but you just need someone to calm you down enough for you to see the way out.

To be sincere, social media has caused more damage than good in recent times. We see people saying “they just want attention” when someone puts out an actual cry for help. The reality is, some people see social media as a platform where they can vent, so they would rather pour out all they are going through online, than face it in reality. They tend to drown themselves in the ‘web’ than take a breather in reality. Now, some people might actually understand this and try to help but others might see it as attention-seeking and instead of ignoring it, they go all malicious on that person, which is totally wrong. Here is a concept, you feel all someone wants is attention? Then by all means, ignore the person.

We all are different and we handle situations differently. You and I could be going through the same kind of situation and where you think doing ‘A’ would help, I might think, hol’up ‘B’ might be the right thing, and most times both ‘A’ and ‘B’ would work eventually. Its equivalent to mathematics, different formulas but we arrive at the same answer.

Over time I’ve realized that people sometimes do things not because they like it or whatnot but it’s because they see it as an escape from one thing or the other. For example, drinking, just like in the movies where we see someone going through hard times and the person tries to drown their sorrow in a bottle, people do this same thing in reality and cause you see them in that state, you think they are happy and having fun when in actual sense they are going through a lot.

Another thing is sex. Weird, but many people find sex as a form of ‘escape’. The excitement, adrenaline and other hormones that flow through their body within those few minutes blocks away whatever issue they have and instead of standing up to their fears, they would rather go on a journey of ‘serial sexing’.

There are a lot of ways people hide their pain but the real solution that has proven to work is to talk to someone. I know it is quite hard to see someone that would listen without judging one bit but trust me, there are many people out there that do not judge no matter what.

Depression is a real thing and it has claimed a lot of lives. It is not written on the face but a lot of people out there are going through it and what they need is someone that truly and genuinely cares.



When a girl tells you she loves you… it is late but she wants to tell you in person hoping you would see the butterflies in her stomach through her eyes and hear the resounding champions song in those words knowing that she just won a war between a trio of her ego, pride and a thousand of her friends voices saying “men are scum” …and of course you’ll smile because you know she means it and for that split nanosecond she feels safe like her heart and entire being was china and you was her Great wall.

When a girl tells you she loves you… you will hear the halleluyah chorus played in its true form, the voice of your past lovers crying and a burning sensation from the scars that led you up to that moment… after hours you still stay up talking about the next 40years of your lives.. that is when you learn that when a girl tells you she loves you, she means that “I am getting ready to be consistent with you now, grow old with you, and when the day comes that we cant walk nomore we’ll have 2 seats on our porch that i’m going to rock with you”.

When a girl tells you she loves you… she doesnt become silent like the folded sheets of a tissue paper, she wants you to accept the entirety of the naturality of the truth in those words and you are worth the uncertainty of whats ahead. Do not feel shes just another plus one to your body count, she meant every single word of all of it. 

Dont be just another boy, another silly sad boy.

The Human Beat-box

Her heart made desolate like ghost towns in horror movies
Her mind hijacked by the thoughts of suicide

Broken bones and a scared body cannot be compared to her shattered soul and spirit

Amnesia caused by the pain he brings makes her wonder

“Is this what I get for falling in love?”

“He still loves me” echoing as he raises his 2pound fist to “correct” her

It used to be all mushy stuffs before she was his but now all he does is reproof followed by the bruises

Everyday she’s bullied by the thoughts of the sweetening taste of death

From heaven she thought he was sent

Flooded eyes, swollen face and stitches has become her daily attire

But every night she says a little prayer for him before she retires.

The Beast Within

We had hand-me-down smiles drawn from broken crayons

Our tongues were made out of broken windshields held together by super glue.. Its no wonder we spoke broken english

We were not born, we were built, assembled inside a society that seemed like it was slowly losing a Fist fight to drugs and corruption

So we practiced 150 hoops daily, hoping that one day we would have the jump power to go over our limitations and be more than what we were built for and we would be more than the wounded options society has nailed to our shoulders

Last night we swallowed our fears but it clawed itself out of our bellies ripping tissue by tissue until we were left with nothing but a hamper filled with tears and regrets

We were bullied constantly by our needs till people began to ask us who gave us the audacity to breathe

But one thing kept us going, the fact that our lives is a book and this is just the prologue, that God listens to our heartbeats on His stereo, and that in this heap of living dust, there is a BEAST WITHIN


I was told that the average girl begins to plan her wedding at the age of 7
I was told she selects the colours and the cakes first
And by the age of 10 she already knows the time and the location

By 17 she already knows the gown and maid of honor, and by 22 shes waiting for a guy who doesnt take to his heels and hides when he hears the word commitment
Someone who isnt just a temporary solution to the empty side of her bed
Someone who doesnt smell like a rug drenched in lonely
Someone who will hold her hand like shes the best thing he has ever felt
Someone who would put a smile on her face and not wipe it off with emotional brutality

To be honest…i dont know which toxedo or 3 piece suit ill be wearing
I have no idea what my wedding would look like
But i know that the woman who overlooks my flaws and glues my last name to hers would float down the aisle like a queen that she is, looking like a 5foot promise
I imagine that her smile would be so big you would be able to see it on google maps to know exactly where our wedding would be holding, that way we wont even need to send out IVs

See….the woman i plan to marry would have champagne in her smile and i would get drunk off her Laugh
When the Pastor asks me if i would take this woman to be my wife i would say “Yes” before he finishes the sentence
I would apologise later for being impolite but i would also explain to him that our first kiss happened 6years ago at exactly 9:47pm on that walkway and since then ive been rehearsing my yes for the past 2165days

When someone asks me about my wedding i never really know what to say
When they ask me about my future wife i tell them that her eyes are the only christmas lights that deserve to be lit all year long
I tell them she has a smile that can make an athiest believe in God long enough to say Goddamn you are beautiful
I tell them that if my alarm clock sounded like her voice my snooze button would collect dust
I tell them that if she came in a bottle i would drink her till my vision becomes blurry with every step and i forget where i dropped my phone
I tell them that if i was a musician she would be my favourite music
I tell them that if she was a book i would memorise her table of contents and go through her pages thoroughly hoping to find a typo so we can both have something to work on cause arent we all unfinished?!…dont we all need some form of editing?!…arent we all waiting for someone to read us and say that we make sense?!..she dont always make sense but i swear to God her imperfections are one of the things i love about her the most.

I dont know where or when i would be married but i do know this…whenever someone asks me to describe my future wife,i do so the best i can and every single time….she sounds alot like you.

I hope you get hit by a train and vultures feed on your brain matter

If i could i would nail these hands to the edges of the stars and pierce my sides with meteors so i can resurrect as someone spiteful enough to despise you.

If i could i would swallow vinegar as corrosive as acid so my insides would rot and remove every trace of emotions left.

If i could i would sacrifice this body as a living sacrifice,disperse my ashes all over the universe so noone would be able to put back the pieces of my broken heart

You asked how i got these scars,
I ripped every last piece of you out of my smile
And scratched out every single fantasy of a future with you i saw from my eyes.

I wished for you through shooting stars
We locked our love with padlocks but i guess they were fake,possibly Aba made.
I treated you like you were the last molecule of oxygen inside a gas chamber
But it all exploded in my face.

You really want to know how i got these scars,
I swallowed my pride and it clawed its way out of mouth ripping every single organ out of its way
Now all thats left….is nothing

I hate you
But a part of me still loves you
You are encrypted into the most important chapter of my life story
Pressed against my hearts faultlines
You gorgeous earthquake

There is nothing rational about love
Love stutters and shivers when its nervous
Love forgets to draw up its own zippers
It trips over its own shoelace
Love is clumsy and my heart refuses to wear a helmet
Cupid is fucking irresponsible and im tired of him using me for target practise

I have a bucket filled with butterflies from the first time i saw your smile
I doubt if anyone of them is still alive

They say time heals all wounds
But tell me…what do you do when the hands of your clock are paralysed

-Toby Xavier

For my body

Dear brain, you are a good reservoir but terrible at giving relationship advice
Dear heart, i trust you, dont fuck this up.
Dear eyes, there are things i cant tell you cause we both know you are terrible at keeping secrets
Dear ear, you are a good listener but sometimes you should filter what you take in.
Dear legs, walking is easy now pick a reason
Dear Face,you are the worst at hiding expressions
Dear hands, i know you love writing but you cant take an irony to a fist fight
Dear fists, when all other option fails i let you solve my problems
Dear voice, it is your job to make sure i dont have to use my fists

I was born on December 23rd,that makes me a capricorn and i have no idea what that means.
Im a short black boy with no arbs and a sucker for a girl with a beautiful smile and oversized tees.

Im still learning how to whisper
Im usually loud in places where i should be quiet and quiet in places where i should be loud.

Secretly i get nervous when someone gets close enough to hear me breathe
I usually find myself fascinated by things like sand castles and ice sculptures, i assume its because i sometimes dedicate my time to things that last a few moments
Thats also why i tend to fall in love with girls that would never love me back
Trust me,its easier than it seems and safer that way
You see relationships remind me that im not scared of heights or falling but im afraid of what happens  the moment that my body hits the ground

Ive been told im clumsy
Yesterday i fell over my self-esteem and landed on my pride and my ego shattered like an broken iphone screen and now i cant even tell who is trying to give me a compliment

Ive never been in the military but i have these scars i got from beating myself up over things i couldnt fix or take back
I know this sounds weird but i wonder what my bedsheets say about me when im not around
Or what my curtains do behind my back.

I have solar powered confidence
A battery dependent smile
My hobby includes hiding behind metaphors
Editing my life story to suit who im telling it to

I dont know much but i do know this
I know heaven is full of music
I know God listens to my heartbeat on his stereo
It reminds Him that we still have work to do.